Başlamak

05/04/2020 | 161 Comments
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Nerden Başlasam? Nasıl içinden geliyorsa oradan!
Tamam da, nasıl geliyor içimdeki içim ki içime nasıl giriyor, içim bana nelere diyor? Ki içim neresi ve nasıl bir yer?
Geniş bir başlangıç odu, ki bu bir başlangıç mı ondan bile emin değilim.
Şaşırmış olamam, çünki bir çok kez başlamaya çalıştığımı hatırlıyorum sadece. -Denediğimi sanıyorum.
Bazen bir ‚ah‘ bazende bir ‚hû‘, aslında çoğu zaman bir yahû çıkmıştır içimden.

Sigaramın dumanına sarsam da saklasam seni diye söyler Sezen Aksu.
Aslında öyle değil. Babamdan biliyorum.
İçin de neler olursa olsun kelama duyguya dökemeyip bazen bir çaresizlik bazen bir arayış oluyor o dışa yansıyan iç çekmeleri.
Sahiden içimize ‚Sinemiz‘ dediğimiz yere neleri getirip, nereye gidiyor onlar?
Bilinçsiz bir şekillendirme mi, farkıdalık içersinde bir teslimiyet mi?

Sine: Farsça kökenli kelimelerimizden biri: Göğüz, Yürek ve Bağır ile daha açıklayıcı olduğunu sanıyorum.

Tamam da, BEN şimdi nasıl başlayacağım?

Misal: Aslında çılgınca kahve içmeme rağmem bedenemin kuruma sebebiyle ve ihtimaliyle taze nane çayı tercihinde bulundum. Veya asıl olan yazı masama akşam güneşi vurması sebebiyle odamın diyer bir köşesinde duran kanaviçe masama geçmiş durumdayım. Biraz dar olsada idare ediyorum.

Zanımca başlangıçlar ihtiyaca göre durumu yönlendirme ve idare etme sanatı.
Yani bir ‚rağmen‘ durumu.
Yani verilmemiş ve verilmişlerin arasında bir yol.
O yola/ başlangıca ihtiyaç desekte olur.
İhtiyaçlar arzularımızı yolumuzu yönlendirmez mi ki çoğu kez?
Karşı karşıya kaldığımız başka bir hikaye olsada.

Peki şimdi soruyu ‚Nerden Başlasam?‘ ile ‚Sinemin neye ihtiyacı var?‘ sorusuyla değişsek ilk soruya lüzüm kalmaz zannımca.
İkinci soru durumu dahada netleştirsede cevabı dahada uzaklaşmış gibi oldu şu an. Çünki çoğumuzun net bri silsielsi olduğunu vâr sayamayız.
Hikayemiz nasıl hikaye olurdu ki?

Başlangıç kelimesinden ihtiyaç durumundan sineye varmak.
Dersimizde işlemediğimiz soru çıktı ortaya.
Okuldan çoğu kez maneviyat öğrenilmediği gibi, aile vergisi.
Hukukcuların adaleti belgeli işlediği gibi, Fetwaların vicdan hesabı hem ilahi adaleti tefekkür etmesi gibi…
Hakkınız var, neden bunları kafanıza soktuğumu bende hennüz anlamış değilim.
Net bir seçeneğim yok, düz hesap edemiyorum, kenarda onca yaşanmışlıklar dururken ihanet kasabasına uğramakten ürküyorum.
Barı açık olayım, ortaya bir şey çıkar sandım…
Lakin durum hep aynı. -sürünmek
Çünkü başlangıçtan öteye varamadım.
Başladığım ile kalıp sürdürmekten ziyade süründüm.
O kalıp kalmak mânâsına gelmesede, o çerçevenin içinde dolandığımı ve şekillendirme çabasında olduğum bes belli…

Şehim ben kainata sığmadım diyerekten kaçınmak değilde, kaçtım diyesim geliyor ki kaçamıyoruz 🙂

Dâima yine yeniden sabr, umut ve duâ ile
Esenlik ile


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